Sometimes things in life change and it’s not always in a way you were hoping. Sometimes you have super high highs where everything is going swimmingly and sometimes you have incredibly low lows where you feel like nothing will ever go right again.
Summer 2016 was the most incredible time of my life. I got out of a relationship I was unhappy in, focused on my health, dropped 30 pounds and found joy in the things around me. I was working two jobs I loved and had little worries in the world. It was what I thought was the beginning of an incredible life with tons of new found knowledge and understanding of who I was and what I wanted. I met someone who I thought filled my life with everything it was missing. I looked up to him in more ways than one and finally felt things in my life were falling into place. The problem, though, was that I didn’t need someone to fill my life. I needed to have a full life and meet someone who complimented that.
This summer, everything changed. That relationship ended, I took a summer class which I had to dedicate all my time to, I lost my fitness mojo, I developed a binge eating habit and my mental health hit an all time low. I thought I lost myself. I filled all my time with work, pushing myself through excessive overtime hours to avoid the feelings I was dealing with. Instead I wore myself too thin and started getting sick. I spent a lot of time laying in bed, I ate foods which used to repulse me and I spent money on ridiculous things. I guess a good way to sum this entire thing up is that I no longer feel like myself.
Being in your 20s is definitely troubling. It’s the time in your life when you’re trying to figure out what you want and who you want to be. It’s the time in your life when you put the most pressure on yourself to finish school, get the job, meet the partner and plan the wedding. It’s the time in your life when you forget to enjoy the little things and instead focus solely on the future rather than living in the present moment. I wish it didn’t take me the entire summer to realize I was the reason everything felt crappy. I made the decision to dread on what wasn’t going to happen instead of feeling great about what was already happening.
In my past relationship I was so focused on finding someone who was just like me that when I did, I thought that was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was more infatuated than I was in love and when it ended, I let it affect me more than I should have. I took a few months, let myself be sad and threw myself into my work. It was during this time that I met Mikey. Mikey started at my work about two months after I went through one of the hardest times in my life and I was in no place to be seeing anyone. I let him know that the moment he asked me out. I learned from my previous break-up that I had to make sure my life was full instead of just filling the void with someone else. This man was different though- there was no pressure, I didn’t feel like I had to constantly be better for him and he made me feel comfortable through everything. It felt incredibly natural to be around him and he helped me realize the value in life without making me feel like I wasn’t enough. He complimented my life.
During this time, I put more focus on my friendships and my goals for the upcoming year. This is my final year of University and big things are coming! So much is going to change over the next year and I have to put less pressure on myself to be perfect. I can’t be everything or do everything. I think that’s what stresses me out the most- the fact that I have little control over the things that happen to me and I can only do so much.
Luckily, I’ve been able to surround myself with friends that support me and are ALWAYS there to listen. I’ve met someone who understands what I am going through and doesn’t judge me for my weaknesses. I’ve built a stronger relationship with my mom and step-dad than I’ve ever had before. I was going to apologize to you all for being distant and not posting as much but honestly, this is exactly what needed to happen. I needed space. I needed to work on things for myself. If you feel like you need to, do it. You are not perfect and you can’t expect yourself to be. You’re allowed to have flaws and show weakness. You’re allowed to accept your mental illnesses for what they are rather than being ashamed of them. I’m still learning these things and trying to remind myself of them every single day.
Life is all about learning and I am learning every single day. Some learning curves are harder than others but working through them is what makes you strong. I am still not in the place that I want to be and I’ve definitely been at a very low point but each day gets a little easier.
I want to thank you. First, for reading the mumble jumble that is this blog post because let’s face it, my mind moves faster than my fingers. But second, for standing by my side. For understanding that I’ve been going through a really tough time and for supporting me no matter what. Every single picture I post is a chance for me to express who I am and what I’m doing. BUT obviously there are days where I don’t make it to the gym, eat like absolute garbage and can barely leave my bed. You guys don’t get to see those days and that’s something I plan on changing. I don’t want you guys to assume I am perfect or have my whole life together, because I absolutely do not. This is a quick summary of where I’ve been and what’s been going on in this little head of mine. Where in the world have I been? Right here, struggling and thriving through each day I’ve been given on this beautiful earth. I wouldn’t have it any other way.